Missing Parts

I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since I last blogged! Life has been anything but forgiving... As I sit here and reflect over what has happened in my life I would never had seen any of it coming had you asked me in June. Isn't that how our lives are though. I wonder how Jesus felt knowing what he ultimately had to do. Die on the cross for all the people ... The same people that spat on him, called him names, beat him and nailed him to a cross! I go through life on a daily basis with having to use one arm and have trouble still with my leg. I am in allot of physical pain. This is caused by a disease. I cannot blame anyone for that. This is what has been handed to me and I am making the best of it. The things that cut the most are what other people say to me, their harmful actions, and lack of love. I could never have been Jesus. The thing is that we are called to be "like" Him. Swallow that! That means that we are supposed to forgive as much as He did, love as deep as He did... I have allot of time that I am alone and I think. I think about all the crap that I go through and I try to find the purpose in it. Sometimes I figure it out, and sometimes I don't. I have come to the conclusion that God wants us to have missing parts so that we rely on him. So that He is the one that makes us whole not ourselves. I only wish that more people realized these things. It would eliminate allot of the hurt.

The Trunk Of the Car....

Life lately has been a test. One that comes with big price tags. Sobriety, the high, the necessity, and trying to sift through what it all means. I know that these topics for most people once they are saved are supposed to be hush hush. You say your story and how God has pulled you through and how your life has changed with him in it. I'm finding myself wondering if maybe I am just weak.... No one ever talks about how hard it is. How I still crave the very things that were destroying me. The amount of physical pain that I am in on a daily basis is stupid. They are prescriptions written by one Doctor and I don't abuse them but I feel imprisoned to them. I'm through the withdrawals of the first heavy hitter, but the pain is at times more than I can bear... I want to go back to it.... , but I want GOD to show his MERCY! I want him to see that I love him and that I want to do his work with a clear mind. How am I supposed to do that if he leaves me here where I am in this state of pain? I feel as though He has put me in the trunk of the car and said "Here is where you belong." Back with all the things tossed in and out and the things that used to be stashed. For now I cry and fall to my face and pray "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Playing In The Dirt

I know that it has been a long time since I have blogged. I have been so busy for someone that can't walk and is unemployed. Really on a serious note I want to share with everyone that has been praying for me that God is still working in my life on a daily basis and I am progressing. I have to use my wheelchair still for long distances and for days that I am really tired. I can use a rollater which is a walker that has four wheels with a seat. I still have to drag my left leg some because the nerves are not done growing back yet but I have made progress and that is all that I pray for is that I continue to get better day by day!

Throughout this whole experience I have had ups and downs. I have gotten better and worse and stayed the same. I have gone through extreme pain and continue too. Some days it's worse than others. At times I find myself asking God "WHY?" That age old question that everyone would love to know the answer to about something in there life that they are struggling with. The other day though I was outside and I was helping my mom plant flowers. We had gone to Lowe's and bought a bunch of different flowers and plants and then gone to her house and we started planting. As I looked at the garden I saw some of the things that had already been planted from before. Some of them were dying and others were now going to be out of place and not fit into the design that I had in my head so I suggested that we pull up the dying plants and chuck them.. Next we planted some of the new things. Well then we needed to dig up some of the old in order to fit the new design and this continued until essentially we had dug up all the old plants, to fit in the new design.

As I think back on that experience and how much more work it was to take out the dying plants, and the old plants, to fit in the new plants, I think about our relationship with God. I believe that he has been doing the same to me. He had to take out the dying areas in my life first, take what my old ways were and change them into his new design for my life. He is the one that has the blueprint to my life. Not me. It is so hard for us to realize that and give up that control to him.. I know that is a struggle in my life. Fear is what drives us away from giving up that control. So for now I will put one foot in front of the other and instead of looking down I will look forward and remember the time I played in the dirt with my mom and instead of asking "WHY" I will say "Please".

Stand In The Rain

I don't know how many people have actually heard an amazing song by SuperChick called Stand In The Rain. Here are the words.

She never slows down.She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming downShe won't turn aroundThe shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down You stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain She won't make a sound Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall downShe wants to be found The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]So stand in the rainStand your groundStand up when it's all crashing downYou stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down Stand through the painYou won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]So stand in the rainStand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing downYou stand through the painYou won't drownAnd one day, whats lost can be foundYou stand in the rain.

This has been my anthem for the past 2 years... Even before I decided to give my life back to Christ. So my life for the past 16 days has been filled with excruciating pain, 9 of those days in the hospital in which I continue to be at this present time. I have felt pain in my life physically for a long time now because of different medical cocnditions but this time it reached a whole new level.... I thought to myself are you serious. Ok God I did what you wanted me to do! I gave my life to you, I am going to go into the missions and I am trying to lead a life soley devoted to you and this is what happens! That was the initial reaction. I have to tell you that as the days go on and on and the Dr's come in and out of your room and they tell you things like it could be cancer. We need to run more tests, we need another MRI, CT whatever the case is you learn to hold on to threads of hope and faith. You learn to take one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I have alot of questions but not alot of answers. That seems to be the same with my relationship with God. The few things that I do know though is that he loves me, that he will never leave me, and that as long as I have faith as small as a mustard seed in Him it will grow day by day into something beautiful as long as I water it.... I have to remain strong and keep pushing through becuase that is the only thing that is going to get me through this thing and that is what I do. Don't get me wrong it is hard and it hurts because I was getting to the point were I was walking with my cane pretty good and I was making great progress in physical therapy, and then now I am lying here in a bed and my left leg is soo weak again and now my right leg that I had no problems with before is going out on me. There is almost no spot on my body that you can touch that doesn't hurt. I cry and wonder why do things have to be so hard, and I beg and plead with God to not make me end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. For now I just have to have faith that in the next second, minute, hour, and day, that God loves me and he is there for me and put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward and never entertain the idea of sitting down and giving up! Always Stand even if it is in the Rain!!!

Am I Sarah?

For the longest time it has been my desire to have children. I went through rounds of fertility treatments when I was first married. I got pregnant. I was sooo happy! I told everyone. You see I was told that I probably would have a hard time and I did but it had worked! I went to my Dr's visits and I took care of myself and I did everything that I was supposed to do. I remember I went to my appointment and I got to hear the heartbeat and I just cried. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Time went by and then On July 27, 2005 I had a miscarriage. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Going to the Dr because of the issues I was having.. them taking me in to get a sonogram. Them bringing another Dr in the room me screaming to hear the heartbeat... The somber looks... And finally the news. Having to go to the hospital later that night everything.... My baby would've been three... All these memories come flooding back to me. In church on Sunday Pastor Jeff talked about Sarah and Abraham and how God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac. After it had taken Sarah sooo long to conceive. He was faithful. I asked this question again to my Dr can I have children? Complicated answer.... Yes and no... Am I supposed to remain steadfast and believe that God will give me the desires of my heart? Or are the desires of my heart not his? I know that right at this present time it is totally out of the question, I get that. Am I supposed to adopt? For now all I know is that when I start to think of these events I have to ask God to continue to remove the feelings of bitterness and guilt. It is hard though... That is why for now I will just share my love with other children, and people who need it! I can't help but wonder Will I be blessed enough to be Sarah?

Under The Bridge

So today I went downtown along a bunch of other people from the church to feed and minister to people "Under The Bridge" It was an amazing experience that saddened me, filled me with joy broke me, humbled me even more all in a time span of 3 and a half hours. You see over a hundred people on the streets men, women, children.. they are dirty, they smell bad, but they are PEOPLE. I talked with a man named Curtis at great length. Here was a grown man talking to me and as I am telling him my story I can't hold back the tears any longer and I start to cry and then he starts to cry and tell me that he does know Jesus but that he messed up real bad. The conversation continued and I just encouraged him and prayed with him.... After we got done talking he thanked me for being real and that this was what he needed.... God gave me so much courage today because I can tell you that it was through him that I even started that conversation... This experience has only fueled my fire to reach lost people all over the world even more so that they might know Jesus in a true unique relationship. It was also another eye opener to me that it was not that long ago that I was that lost but now I am found.

All Things Truly are Possible

Do you remember people telling you Never say Never. Well I didn't believe that saying until tonight. Pastor Jeff has been challenging us to tell our story and it is crazy because I would have to say that there are people in my life that know more about me right now that aren't related to me. Tonight my dad came over and we were going to work on some things for his business and as we were working we started to talk. As we were talking things started to come out that I wanted to tell him for so long... I started to tell him my story. He cried and asked for forgiveness and said that he was sorry... All reactions that I wasn't expecting... I am truly blown away at the fact that God loves me enough to know that I needed that. That my heart has been broken for so long and it is mending slowly by all these things that he is allowing me to experience through Him. The saying All Things are Possible is true. He is building me into what he wants me to be part by part and teaching me how to forgive and let go along the way.... Life is so much more Beautiful with God!