Cruise Control

SO... This past month has been a hard month. I feel like I am stuck on cruise control only the position of my body is that of the the fetal position because I am waiting for the next blow that is going to hit me next. Yesterday was Sunday. I really didn't want to go to church. Hear about how God is there, blah blah blah same ole crap that people or things are said when life is hitting you from ever possible angle. I went anyways.. Those are the best days to go. Again like I stated in one of my earlier posts did it make everything just GREAT :) NO! but it gave me alot to think about. Who turned on the cruise control? Who is going to turn it off? Why the fetal position. Why not stand up arms wide open and just say come get me what you got cause I got God !!! Sometimes when I am crying and just so overwhelmed and feel so alone I yell at God and we go at it. He is big enough to take it. It is crazy though because alot of people that I had surrounded myself by said they would be there for me, but then at the first glance of true mortality, they were out..... So once again I am left crying over people who have walked out of my life and left sitting here pleading with God to never leave me like the people of this world!
So who put on cruise control? Not sure , just need to feel Jesus's love in a big way!!!

Taking the keys out!!!

Anger, Rage, Tears, Frustration, My foot going into the door, and me yelling, my mind racing and my heart trying to catch up. This is what it was like last night as my families lives were again just ripped into. I was calling my brother to tell him once again that no he couldn't borrow money because I wasn't going to pay for a lifestyle I didn't agree with. No he couldn't drive my car and then to reassure Him that I still loved Him and so did God. Because of the fact that I said no to all this he got mad started ranting and raving about how he was already getting screwed over by everyone... just the whole victim mentality... Then crap how he was gonna be a man stand on his own two feet... Then he told me that he had gone downtown and signed away his right to Anastsha... (my 6 yr old niece) mph blow to the body... WHAT!!! did I hear you right... yep I gotta go I told him because I don't want to have to ask you for forgiveness for anything!!!

My heart is gashing open and all I can think about is that beautiful little girl that he just threw away. She was what helped heal my wounds before when I lost my babies. She was like my own! We will fight though. Grandparents have rights. The keys are out of the car and the ignition it off I just want all this to work out so that she knows that she is loved. So that she doesn't walk around her entire life wondering if anyone out there will ever love her. Please dear God help us through this!!!
I Love you Annie and we are fighting for you baby girl hang in there!!!!

Emergency Brake

Oh my! I am sitting here reminding myself to breath! So in case you have been out of the loop in my life it has been crazy. I went from an amazing journey in Kenya to coming home to my seizures going out of control. Racking my body, tearing at my soul, and choking me of breath. I have been on ventilators and intibated and rushed in ambulances. I have questioned the age old question Why? Last night was another night of racking seizures. I want to know what is my purpose in the all this. I wish I could tell you that I had this great mind blowing epiphany and know I now that my suffering is for some great reason, but that would be a lie. What I can tell you is that even in the low times when I feel like Jesus has left me He is still there! Right now I know that He loves me and will always love me! So no matter what happens He is there.... It is hard, but the thing is remembering that when all the turmoil is going on. That is the true Art of it all!

Worship In My Car

So yesterday I spent alot of time downloading new songs for my Ipod. (yes I pd for them) I am very selective about which songs I want and what the message is that I want to listen to. Ever since I have got back from Kenya I have been struggling with worship. When I was in Kenya I felt so free in my worship and it was so authentic. I could dance lift my one arm and just let loose. Here back in TX I feel so confined. I have been trying to figure out and have been struggling to recreate that same experience. As I began to listen to some of the great gospel songs that I downloaded I got up and started dancing and just let loose. I am starting to realize that whether it be in my car, in my office, in church service or in Kenya, I can meet God in worship in that same real way as long as I don't put God in a box. I was putting limitations on Him and how intimate of worship I could have with him. I would allow life circumstances get in my way and loose focus on the purpose that was set out before me. I will now go into worship multiple times a day through the music that speaks to me and clear my mind of all things and pour my heart out to God with purpose.

Side Note: I think that it is great when I am worshipping in my car and people drive up beside me and I am wrapped up in the moment and then I catch an eye of someone and they are laughing because all they see in the car is me, but little do they know I am not alone!

Walking By Grace
Michelle

Journal Entry from Kenya

July 16th

We are riding in the bus to "The Rock", but we just left a school that had a section for special education. There was a little girl there that had downs, her name was Michelle. Before we even introduced ourselves to the kids, or anything she came straight for me and wanted me to hold her and to sit in my lap. This little girl played on my lap and laughed and giggled and gave me hugs. It was amazing to see. Jen got up and talked to the children and as she did God began to change my heart. He broke me. I started crying as I held this precious child who sat on my lap loving a complete stranger. I knew in my heart at that moment that if for some reason I were to have a special needs child I would be able to accept that child and know that the child would truly be capable of loving me. I am in aww of how much God loves me and how he orchestrated this visit to this school and even brought a little girl with my name! How Awesome is that!

That was one of my many journal entries. I felt that I needed to share this. At times I have people ask me what did God reveal to you on your trip? How was it? So many questions and I am so overwhelmed by the love that I felt in so many different forms! I can honeslty say that I know that Jesus loves me. There are times that satan will try to put doubt in my mind and I just have to go back and read things like this. I go in the Word and read of the ultimate sacrifice of love and I know that I am loved by at least One. That is all that matters! My prayer is that you will know that Jesus loves you and that no matter what it is that you are going through in your life He can help you through it. You just have to open up your heart to Him.

Walking By Grace
Michelle

Green Light

How Great How Awesome Is He!!!

Let me tell you. God is so Awesome, He is so powerful, and He is still at work! Last night I was on my way to go pick up my niece. We only get to see her for 2 hours on Thursday's. We pick her up from her step dad and mom... These pick up and drop offs are very hard on me. Her step dad is not a nice person at all. He does things that break my heart! I dread going to pick up my niece! Last night was extra hard because of some news that my brother had given me on Wednesday night. I was distraught and my heart couldn't take what I knew I was about to have to face. On my way to go pick her up I cried out to God and asked Him to please completely change the circumstances that I was getting ready to go into. I prayed that her step dad would act completely different and that this would be the most pleasant experience. I pulled up. Got out of my car. Things went so beautifully and were sooooo completely different that I had to fight back my tears! I said out loud THANK YOU JESUS!!! Annie and I had a great time together. I taught her to use chopsticks for the first time and we had great conversations! Then came the drop off. That lasting taste in your mouth. I prayed on the way there. Her step dad didn't even get out of the car and let me walk Annie over to them and let her get in the car! I know that to some this sounds like NOTHING... THIS IS HUGE!!!! God heard my cries knew my heart, my heartache, and exactly what I needed. I praise him in these moments and in the moments that I feel like I can't make it but he knows that I can through Him! He gives me the green light!

Broken Car Seats

I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I know though you are with our Savior
This is what brings me relief

In these times though I feel much grief!
I see precious children being torn from homes
All because there parents are full of scorn

These little faces that once held joy
Now have tears lash to nose
Confusion and fear spread from ear to ear
And replace that wonderful smile that once was there

The child thinks that somehow it's there fault
That mommy and daddy will stop loving them

Please dear Jesus protect these little children
Show them your unending love
Hold them in your arms and protect them
Just like you have with my beautiful little ones.