Emergency Brake

Oh my! I am sitting here reminding myself to breath! So in case you have been out of the loop in my life it has been crazy. I went from an amazing journey in Kenya to coming home to my seizures going out of control. Racking my body, tearing at my soul, and choking me of breath. I have been on ventilators and intibated and rushed in ambulances. I have questioned the age old question Why? Last night was another night of racking seizures. I want to know what is my purpose in the all this. I wish I could tell you that I had this great mind blowing epiphany and know I now that my suffering is for some great reason, but that would be a lie. What I can tell you is that even in the low times when I feel like Jesus has left me He is still there! Right now I know that He loves me and will always love me! So no matter what happens He is there.... It is hard, but the thing is remembering that when all the turmoil is going on. That is the true Art of it all!

Worship In My Car

So yesterday I spent alot of time downloading new songs for my Ipod. (yes I pd for them) I am very selective about which songs I want and what the message is that I want to listen to. Ever since I have got back from Kenya I have been struggling with worship. When I was in Kenya I felt so free in my worship and it was so authentic. I could dance lift my one arm and just let loose. Here back in TX I feel so confined. I have been trying to figure out and have been struggling to recreate that same experience. As I began to listen to some of the great gospel songs that I downloaded I got up and started dancing and just let loose. I am starting to realize that whether it be in my car, in my office, in church service or in Kenya, I can meet God in worship in that same real way as long as I don't put God in a box. I was putting limitations on Him and how intimate of worship I could have with him. I would allow life circumstances get in my way and loose focus on the purpose that was set out before me. I will now go into worship multiple times a day through the music that speaks to me and clear my mind of all things and pour my heart out to God with purpose.

Side Note: I think that it is great when I am worshipping in my car and people drive up beside me and I am wrapped up in the moment and then I catch an eye of someone and they are laughing because all they see in the car is me, but little do they know I am not alone!

Walking By Grace
Michelle

Journal Entry from Kenya

July 16th

We are riding in the bus to "The Rock", but we just left a school that had a section for special education. There was a little girl there that had downs, her name was Michelle. Before we even introduced ourselves to the kids, or anything she came straight for me and wanted me to hold her and to sit in my lap. This little girl played on my lap and laughed and giggled and gave me hugs. It was amazing to see. Jen got up and talked to the children and as she did God began to change my heart. He broke me. I started crying as I held this precious child who sat on my lap loving a complete stranger. I knew in my heart at that moment that if for some reason I were to have a special needs child I would be able to accept that child and know that the child would truly be capable of loving me. I am in aww of how much God loves me and how he orchestrated this visit to this school and even brought a little girl with my name! How Awesome is that!

That was one of my many journal entries. I felt that I needed to share this. At times I have people ask me what did God reveal to you on your trip? How was it? So many questions and I am so overwhelmed by the love that I felt in so many different forms! I can honeslty say that I know that Jesus loves me. There are times that satan will try to put doubt in my mind and I just have to go back and read things like this. I go in the Word and read of the ultimate sacrifice of love and I know that I am loved by at least One. That is all that matters! My prayer is that you will know that Jesus loves you and that no matter what it is that you are going through in your life He can help you through it. You just have to open up your heart to Him.

Walking By Grace
Michelle

Green Light

How Great How Awesome Is He!!!

Let me tell you. God is so Awesome, He is so powerful, and He is still at work! Last night I was on my way to go pick up my niece. We only get to see her for 2 hours on Thursday's. We pick her up from her step dad and mom... These pick up and drop offs are very hard on me. Her step dad is not a nice person at all. He does things that break my heart! I dread going to pick up my niece! Last night was extra hard because of some news that my brother had given me on Wednesday night. I was distraught and my heart couldn't take what I knew I was about to have to face. On my way to go pick her up I cried out to God and asked Him to please completely change the circumstances that I was getting ready to go into. I prayed that her step dad would act completely different and that this would be the most pleasant experience. I pulled up. Got out of my car. Things went so beautifully and were sooooo completely different that I had to fight back my tears! I said out loud THANK YOU JESUS!!! Annie and I had a great time together. I taught her to use chopsticks for the first time and we had great conversations! Then came the drop off. That lasting taste in your mouth. I prayed on the way there. Her step dad didn't even get out of the car and let me walk Annie over to them and let her get in the car! I know that to some this sounds like NOTHING... THIS IS HUGE!!!! God heard my cries knew my heart, my heartache, and exactly what I needed. I praise him in these moments and in the moments that I feel like I can't make it but he knows that I can through Him! He gives me the green light!

Broken Car Seats

I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I know though you are with our Savior
This is what brings me relief

In these times though I feel much grief!
I see precious children being torn from homes
All because there parents are full of scorn

These little faces that once held joy
Now have tears lash to nose
Confusion and fear spread from ear to ear
And replace that wonderful smile that once was there

The child thinks that somehow it's there fault
That mommy and daddy will stop loving them

Please dear Jesus protect these little children
Show them your unending love
Hold them in your arms and protect them
Just like you have with my beautiful little ones.

Missing Parts

I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since I last blogged! Life has been anything but forgiving... As I sit here and reflect over what has happened in my life I would never had seen any of it coming had you asked me in June. Isn't that how our lives are though. I wonder how Jesus felt knowing what he ultimately had to do. Die on the cross for all the people ... The same people that spat on him, called him names, beat him and nailed him to a cross! I go through life on a daily basis with having to use one arm and have trouble still with my leg. I am in allot of physical pain. This is caused by a disease. I cannot blame anyone for that. This is what has been handed to me and I am making the best of it. The things that cut the most are what other people say to me, their harmful actions, and lack of love. I could never have been Jesus. The thing is that we are called to be "like" Him. Swallow that! That means that we are supposed to forgive as much as He did, love as deep as He did... I have allot of time that I am alone and I think. I think about all the crap that I go through and I try to find the purpose in it. Sometimes I figure it out, and sometimes I don't. I have come to the conclusion that God wants us to have missing parts so that we rely on him. So that He is the one that makes us whole not ourselves. I only wish that more people realized these things. It would eliminate allot of the hurt.

The Trunk Of the Car....

Life lately has been a test. One that comes with big price tags. Sobriety, the high, the necessity, and trying to sift through what it all means. I know that these topics for most people once they are saved are supposed to be hush hush. You say your story and how God has pulled you through and how your life has changed with him in it. I'm finding myself wondering if maybe I am just weak.... No one ever talks about how hard it is. How I still crave the very things that were destroying me. The amount of physical pain that I am in on a daily basis is stupid. They are prescriptions written by one Doctor and I don't abuse them but I feel imprisoned to them. I'm through the withdrawals of the first heavy hitter, but the pain is at times more than I can bear... I want to go back to it.... , but I want GOD to show his MERCY! I want him to see that I love him and that I want to do his work with a clear mind. How am I supposed to do that if he leaves me here where I am in this state of pain? I feel as though He has put me in the trunk of the car and said "Here is where you belong." Back with all the things tossed in and out and the things that used to be stashed. For now I cry and fall to my face and pray "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.